"The family is ordained of God.
Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to His eternal plan... The
divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond
the grave." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)
Whether a couple is newly married or celebrating a 50th wedding
anniversary, creating and maintaining a mutually satisfying, stable, vibrant
marital relationship takes time, effort, and a shared commitment about the importance
of marriage. Because Marriage is meant to be eternal, its centrality and
importance among human relationships does not decrease over time.
Principles Underlying Successful Marriages
A clear, comprehensive summary of key processes underlying successful
marriages is included in chapter 3 of this book. In the chapter, Duncan and
McCarty highlight the need for *Personal commitment to the marriage covenant, *
love and friendship, *positivity, *the ability to accept influence from one's
spouse, *the respectful handling of differences and the ability to solve
problems and, * continual courtship throughout the years.
Because of the potential for decline, loss, unresolved conflict, and
forced transitions in the last third of life, older couples are particularly
vulnerable to isolation, distance, and long-standing wounds in their marital
relationships. Researchers and clinicians have begun to draw attention to the
clear need for secure attachments in later life, highlighting greater
adjustments following bereavement, healthier transition to illness and
caregiving, and better overall well-being for older adults with attachment
security. (Bradley & Palmer, 2003) Therefore, older couples with secure and
safe marital bonds (that is, accessible, responsive, and engaged partners) will
likely be better prepared to adapt successfully to the challenges of aging and
thrive in later life.
Challenges Facing Mid- and Later-Life Couples
A review of these transitions and challenges can help couples to, first,
recognize that such struggles are normal, and second, develop a plan to address
them.
Empty Nest. A wife married for 33 years said, "It's important to build a good
relationship with your spouse so that when the children leave, you have the
underlying joy of focusing on each other and not your adult children." (Arp
& Arp, 1996)
Retirement. "People need to prepare emotionally for retirement," advises
one who has experienced this stage in life. "People planning to retire
need to retire to something." not just from something, because
"adjusting to less money and being home all the time is a real
change."
Physical Decline. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "More and more
we are living longer, thanks to the miracle of modern science and medical
practice. But with old age comes a deterioration of physical capacity and sometimes
mental capacity. I have said before that I have discouraged that there is much
of lead in the years that are called golden." (Personal Worthiness to
Exercise the Priesthood, Ensign, May 2002.) President Boyd K. Packer added,
"When your body begins to deteriorate, the patterns of revelation will be
augmented and magnified." (The Golden Years by President Packer,
Ensign, May, 2003)
Caregiving. Caregiving, whether for a parent or a spouse, is truly a tension of
opposites where a person can feel isolation and connection, burden and joy,
sorrow and peace. President Packer related the following insights regarding his
family's experience with caregiving: "My wife and I have seen our
grandparents and then our parents leave us. Some experiences that we first thought
to be burdens or trouble have long since been reclassified as blessings. My
wife's father died in our home. He needed constant care. Nurses taught our
children how to care for our bedridden grandpa. What they learned is of great
worth to them and to us. How grateful we are to have had him close to us. We
were repaid a thousand times over but the influence he had on our children.
That was a great experience for our children, one I learned as a boy when
Grandpa Packer died in our home."(The Golden Years by
President Packer, Ensign, May, 2003) Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "The
savior knows of our anguish, and He is there for us.... His healing blessings
come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who
loves us best. Sometimes a "healing" cures illness or lifts our
burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or
understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. Alma and his
people... did not have their burdens removed, but the Lord strengthened them so
that "they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit
cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." This same
promise and effect applies to you... caregivers who are burdened. (He Heals
the Heavy Laden by Elder Oaks, Ensign, Nov. 2006.)
Loss of Loved ones. The loss of loved ones can pose problems for
mature couples. A simple yet painful fact is that with aging comes the greater
likelihood that our dear ones will precede us in death. Mourning, grief, and
suffering are natural byproducts of a loving relationship severed, although
temporarily by death. Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "The only length of
life that seem to satisfy the longings of the human heart is life everlasting.
Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the
deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord
with divine commandments: "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that
thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die." (D&C 42:45) Moreover,
we can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations
now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of
life." (Doors of Death by Elder Nelson, Ensign, May 1992.)
President Ezra Taft Benson taught about loneliness: "The key to overcoming
aloneness and a feeling of uselessness for one who is physically able is to
step outside of yourself by helping others who are truly needy. We promise
those who will render this kind of service that, in some measure, you will be
healed of the loss of loved ones or the dread of being alone. The way to feel
better about your own situation is to improve someone else's
circumstances." (To the Elderly in the Church, by Elder Benson,
Ensign, Nov. 1989.)
Addressing old wounds. Overtime in any marriage there are likely to be
numerous wounds, both intentional and unintentional. In their fine book, The
Second Half of Marriage, Arp and Arp (1996) describe the need to "let go
of past marital disappointments, forgive each other, and commit to making the rest
of your marriage the best" it can be.
Elder Ezra Taft Benson said, "The Lord knows and loves the elderly
among His people. It has always been so, and upon them He bestowed many of His
greatest responsibilities. In various dispensations He has guided His people
through prophets who were in their advancing years. He has needed the wisdom
and experience of age, the inspired direction from those with long years of
proven faithfulness to His gospel... How the Lord knows and loves His children
who have given so much through their years of experience."(To the
Elderly in the Church, by Elder Benson, Ensign, Nov. 1989.)
The last third of marriage can be a time of strengthening marital bonds
and solidifying spiritual resolve. Abraham and Sarah serve as an example of an
elderly couple faced with a particular physical and spiritual challenge: The
Lord had promised Abraham that his seed would be as numerous as the stars
(Genesis 15:5), and yet they grew old, past the age of childbearing for Sarah,
and still did not have any children. Nevertheless, Sarah gave birth to Isaac in
keeping with God's covenant with Abraham (Genesis 21:1-3) Even in the face of
Sarah's doubts, an angel admonished, "Is any thing too hard for the
Lord?" (Genesis 18:14) As we mature in our marriages, we can have faith
that "with God all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26) Commitment,
tenacity, and faith are required to confront successfully the many challenges
faced by mature married couples. The rewards of such "works of righteousness,...
including peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come"
(D&C 59:23), are within the reach of all older couples who are willing to
consistently apply principles that lead to the formation of a safe haven and a
secure bond in marriage.
(Marriage
in Later Years by Jonathan G. Sandberg, James M. Harper, James G. Strait,
and Carly D. Larsen LeBaron, Chapter 9 in Successful Marriages and Families.)
No comments:
Post a Comment