"Foundational Process for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage" (Chapter 3)

Now that we've talked about how to find your eternal companion, let's talk about ways we can keep our marriage healthy and lasting. Here are some key personal characteristics that lead to marital virtue-based interactions, as well as key interpersonal processes that bless marriages and prevent disruption. 


Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" declares that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God" and also that "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. Couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another.

So what marital processes show a covenant commitment?

*Intentional personal dedication. To nurture their covenant commitments to one another and God, couples will wisely make a decision to be intentionally and personally dedicated. This involves: a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one's life around your companion, a willingness to change any and all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship, learning to resolve differences in a healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems.

*Exclusive cleaving and unity. The Lord declared, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (D&C 42:22)

*Practice spiritual patterns. When couples are involved in unifying spiritual activities, such as prayer and active religious involvement, they bring a number of benefits into their marriage. Couples who practice their faith together generally have less conflict. When conflict does not occur, couples are more likely to remain committed to each other and their marriage.

President Kimball once said, "When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste--mentally and physically-- so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the uplifting of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle." (Oneness in Marriage, by President Kimball, October 2002.)

Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship

From the Proclamation to the Family it reads, "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other." "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart." (D&C 42:22) President Ezra Taft Benson taught, "To my knowledge there is only one other thing in all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God himself. Think what that means!" (To the Fathers in Isreal by President Benson, November, 1987 Ensign)

Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other....It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

-C. S. Lewis

What can married couples do to nurture love and friendship? Here are some ideas:

*Get in sync with your partner's love preferences. Find out how your partner likes to receive love and then do those things often. 

*Talk as friends. Sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends. These types of conversations were the kinds of discussions that drew couples close in the first place. 

*Respond to bids for connection. As Gottman and DeCLaire put it, "this is the fundamental unit of emotional communication. From a research done by Gottman, couples are said to respond to bids for connection in 1 of 3 ways: by turning away, turning against, or turning toward (actively responding to bids for attention, affection, humor or support.) How spouses respond to bids for connection affected the future of the relationships in a major way. 

*Set goals for couple interaction. 

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction

Positive emotions toward one's spouse are vital to a healthy marriage. Negative emotions, if they occur frequently and are allowed to deepen, can threaten a marriage. To enhance positive interaction in marriage, focus on you spouse's positive qualities. President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage.... Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles." (Loyalty by President Hinckley, Ensign, May 2003)

Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

This principle is described by Gottman as, "the process of sharing the decision-making power with one's spouse."

*Share influence in all family affairs. Part of the recipe for a happy, healthy marriage is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs. (Gottman, & DeClaire) The proclamation states that we are "obligated to help one another as equal partners," and that they "will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

*Ways to accept influence. Gottman and others give a few suggestions of how to accept influence and respond to one's spouse.

      1. Turn to your partner for advice

      2. Be open to their ideas

      3. Listen and consider their opinion

      4. Show respect during disagreements

      5. Learn from our spouse

      6. Recognize points you agree on

      7. Compromise

      8. Show trust in spouse

      9. Be sensitive to his or her feelings

Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

How differences are handled is an important key to marital success or failure. Elder Joe J. Christensen taught a similar principle: "Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better." (Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness by Elder Joe J. Christensen, Ensign, May 1995)

*Prevention. When we have charity, the pure love of Christ, we are preventing some things from ever becoming an issue. Also, holding couple councils can help this same concept from happening.

*Eliminate destructive interaction patterns. We must work to destroy harmful interaction patterns early in the marriage. By doing this, we can create habits of good communication skills that are much needed in the marriage. Gottman gave us four things to avoid in order to fulfill this:

    1. Criticism

    2. Contempt

    3. Defensiveness

    4. Stonewalling (walking away from the issue)

*Calm yourself first and bring up the concern softly, gently and privately. Before approaching your spouse on an issue make sure you're calm. Do whatever calms you: pray, listen to peaceful music, walk around the block, take a shower.

*Learn to make and receive repair attempts. When a discussion on an issue gets off on the wrong foot, put the brakes on before disaster strikes and things get contentious. This may include apologies, acknowledgement or taking breaks.

*Soothe yourself and each other. Gottman observes that even if your calmed yourself before bringing up the discussion, you may still need a few breaks during the discussion just to calm everything down a bit.

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years

President Kimball taught, "Many couples permit their marriage to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy." President David O. McKay added, "I should like to urge continuing courtship, and apply this to grown people. Too many couples have come to the alter of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the the beginning of an eternal marriage." (Faith Proceeds the Miracle, Deseret Book Industries.)

So what can couples do to keep their courtship alive throughout the years?

   -Attend to the little things.

   -Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage.

   -Spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening your relationship.

In doing these things, couples will continue to grow in love and respect for each other.


(Chapter 3: Poundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty)