"'Honor Thy Father': Key Principles and Practices in Fathering" by Sean E. Brotherson (Chapter 13)

President Howard W. Hunter taught that a father's "leadership of the family is his most important and sacred responsibility" and the "family is the most important unit in time and in eternity and, as such, transcends every other interest in life."(Being a Righteous Husband and Father, Ensign, Nov. 1994.)

In this chapter, we will discuss the five fundamental principles of fathering: to preside, partner, be present, provide and protect. 

To Preside

"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness." First, fathers are directed to take upon themselves the responsibility of spiritual leadership in family life as part of a loving Eternal Father's plan for family functioning. Second, a father's responsibility to preside occupies the first and foremost duty among the varied obligations that rest upon men in family life. Third, the manner in which a father is to exercise spiritual quittance among family members is explicitly articulated: "in love and righteousness." As children grow older, positive involvement by fathers is strongly associated with fewer behaviors involving externalizing (negative actions) and internalizing (negative emotions). Both boys and girls who have positively involved fathers show higher social competence and experience fewer problems in school. (Mosley & Thomson, 1995) Father who embrace the principle that fathering means "to preside... in love and righteousness"have an anchoring principle and a spiritual focus for their fathering efforts designed to bless the children and families they love. 

To Partner

Parenthood is a partnership. In other words, when any individual becomes a parent, he or she also enters into a community of relationships. Raising a child is an individual journey, but it is also a community journey, a relational partnership across generations as fathers and mothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, coaches, pastors, and parent's friends all work together in rearing a child to responsible adulthood. For fathers, being aware of and attentive to these relationships is critical to raising a child. 

Partnering with a child's mother. Research indicates that a healthy, satisfying marriage is a fathering "force multiplier" for men, which helps father be more involved with their children, more confident in their parenting skills, more satisfied in their paternal efforts, and more sensitive to the needs of children. 

Partnering with the child. Becoming a father necessarily means entering into a continuing relationship of care and involvement with the child. Children come into life with their own personalities and preferences, and thus it is important to remember that this is a two-way relationship in which children and fathers mutually influence each other in their development, not simply a relationship in which all influences flows from the father to the child.  President Howard W. Hunter advised that the fathers should give children "time and presence in their in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities" and provide "tender expressions of love and affection toward children."

Partnering with others in the child's life. Beyond partnering with a child's mother and the child, fathers conduct the generative work of fathering within a broader system of relationships. Children are born into the world with many family ties: father, mother, siblings, and grandparents, among others. These extended family ties are critical  in providing support to fathers, as it has been suggested that fathering is more sensitive to contextual and relationship influences than mothering. (Responsible Fathering by Doherty, Kouneski, & Erickson, 1998)

To Be Present 

Parenting requires presence. While a parent does not need to be constantly present to care for children, a parent's presence is a fundamental requirement if he is to meet children's needs and build a lasting parent-child bond. A fundamental principle of fathering that meets the need is to be present in a child's life and consciousness, to be available and aware of a child's needs such that he or she develops in an atmosphere of security and love. A primary reason that being present is crucial to responsible fathering is that, simply, children need the presence and support of caring adults from the time of birth onward. A child's dependence, both physically and psychologically, on parents fashions a relationship in which fathers must willingly accept the moral obligation to provide their children a secure atmosphere and be responsive to daily needs and desires. Though there are many things a child needs, the greatest need of any child is security. A sense of security is perhaps the most fundamental of all human needs in a variety of ways, but it is primary and intensive for children. 

To Provide

Parents are to "provide for their physical and spiritual needs" and, fathers in particular are "responsible to provide the necessities  of life and protection for their families." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)

One of the fundamental aspects of life in mortality is that we as human beings have material needs (food, clothing, shelter,) and that we must manage limited resources, time, and energy. To be a good father, is often equated with being a good provider. The archetypes pattern for family life that God set forth in His instructions to Adam and Eve emphasizes work to provide for one's family, as God told Adam that "in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread," and sent him "to till the ground from whence he was taken." (Genesis 3:19)

The principle of providing for one's family as a father recognizes that each man as "a steward over his own property," is "accountable unto God" for that stewardship, and should administer those resources in a manner that "is sufficient for himself and his family."

To Protect

"Fathers are responsible to provide... protection for their families." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

Each person born into this world begins a journey that is often attended by confusion, challenges, and personal risks. The external world of stresses and threats to well-being sometimes intrudes upon the immediate world of family life and preparing them over time for the external world that they will have to navigate as they grow. The ultimate protective figure is the Savior, Jesus Christ, who protects and heals His children from death, sin, and suffering as they come unto Him. 

Perhaps the most important aspect of protecting children occurs as fathers model appropriate and righteous behavior in their own actions and choices. A variety of protection benefits accrues to children as fathers behave well and model positive choice. Other important aspects include, mentoring them to develop skills and knowledge needed for making their own choices in life and monitor the environments and behaviors of their children. 

Fathers have the ability, for good or ill, to exercise great power and influence in the lives of their children and families. Power alone, however is not what a father truly needs, nor does he need only the ability to influence and direct a child's life, thoughts, and feelings. A father needs the power to bless, which might be called "power in righteousness."Men do not bless by the mere exercise of peer. They bless only by the exercise of power in righteousness. This is especially true of the exercise of priesthood power. To be a holy figure in the life of a child, in the life of a family, requires an association with powers that exist beyond our own mortal abilities. Power in righteousness comes only as we associate ourselves through prayer and sacred living with the powers of heaven. 

"Mothers as Nurturers" by Jenet J. Erickson (Chapter 12)

Sometimes in marriage it can be difficult to figure out what the roles of each other are going to be. For me, as a newly married student, I'm trying to figure out where my role is as the wife. I'm sure that every newly married couple goes through this in deciding what kind of work needs to be done from both spouses. This chapter gave me some comfort in knowing that being a mother in itself is such an important job. I have always known this but the material provided in this chapter reassured me. If I get an education and don't end up getting a job because I choose to be a full time mother, I will be ok with that because I know that is one of the most important callings that anyone can have. And I won't feel like my education is wasted because my schooling will help me be able to help my future children as they grow and mature. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get an education but I'm also thankful for the opportunity to become a mother someday and to know what a special calling that truly is. Here's what I read:

"Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (Family: Proclamation to the World)

Spencer W. Kimball said, "To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times."

Questions About the Importance of Motherhood

Yesterday my husband called a little bit before lunchtime to check on how we were doing at home. The conversation was more brief that usual because he had a lunch appointment held at a nice restaurant near his office. Bu tit was also interrupted because the toddler sitting at the table in his booster seat knocked a cup of apple juice over, sending juice flying all over himself, the floor- and all over me. When I hung up the phone I began the task of cleaning him off, wiping the sticky juice off the table and floor, and finally changing out of the now sticky sweat pants I had not been able to change out of since early that morning. While kneeling on the floor with a rag in my hand I couldn't help but reflect on the differences between the work my husband was doing and the work I so often did as a mother. I knew in my mind that caring for children mattered, but honestly, it was hard to see what could possibly be so important about changing diapers, wiping noses, cleaning muddy feet, and all the other hundreds of mundane chores that seemed to make up my daily life. I reflected on the bachelor's and master's degree I had received and couldn't help but wonder how after all that preparation I ended up on the floor with a rag in my hand wiping up juice spilled by a toddler. Hadn't I been prepared to do something more significant? Something that would really make a lasting difference? (Personal communications with the author)

Although scientific evidence has continued to demonstrate the importance of a mother's care, motherhood has been questioned and devalued in the broader culture. A survey of a nationally representative sample of mothers in the U.S. in 2005 found that fewer than half of mothers (48 percent) felt appreciated most of the time, and almost 20 percent said they felt less valued by society when they became a mother. As a result, they may feel pressured to invest their talents and energies in work that they perceive to be more valued by the larger culture. 

Historical Causes for Questions about the Importance of Motherhood

In some ways these dilemmas were a predictable response to the dramatic changes of industrialization and urbanization in the 19th century. Prior to industrialization, mothers and fathers worked side by side to build their household economy, represented in the family farm of small artisan shop. With industrialization, the work of production moved outside the home, creating a split between work and home. Mothers alone became the primary socializers, educators, and caregivers of their children. This meant that women's role in the home would be inflexibly defined and put the view that women were dependent of their husbands. Also, the modern era valued an orientation toward individualism and consumerism that also devalued women's role of nurturing children. 

Prophetic Teachings about the Importance of Motherhood

A First Presidency statement in 1942 declared: "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels. (Messages of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Vol. 6, James R. Clark) The calling of motherhood has been identified as the most ennobling endowment God could give His daughters, "as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the priesthood itself." (Our Wives and Our Mothers in the Eternal Plan, by J. Rueben Clark, Relief Society Magazine, Dec. 1946) In the words of President Spencer W. Kimball, "Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments."(The blessings and Responsibilities of Womanhood, by President Kimball, Ensign, March 1976.) "The countless acts of of selfless service mothers perform are recognized as expressions of the highest love and noblest of womanly feelings." (A Message to my Granddaughters by J.E. Faust, Sept. 1986 Ensign.)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen and Sister Marie K. Hafen explained, "Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, the Savior said, 'I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands' (1 Nephi 21:15-16). For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice- the sacrifice of begetting life-for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth." ("Eve Heard All These Things and Was Glad" by B.C. Hafen and M.K. Hafen, 1994)

Elder Robert D. Hales further clarified, "The world would state that a woman is in a form of servitude that does not allow her to develop her gifts and talents." He added, "Motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning. A mother's learning grows as she nurtures the child in his or her development years. They are both learning and maturing together at a remarkable pace. It's exponential, not linear.... In the process  of rearing her children, a mother studies such topics as child development; nutrition; health care; physiology; psychology; nursing with medical research and care; and educational tutoring in many diverse fields such as math, science, geography, literature, English, and foreign languages. She develops gifts such as music, athletics, dance, and public speaking. The learning examples could continue endlessly." (The Journey of Lifelong Learning, by R.D. Hales, August 2009 BYU Devotional).

An Exploration of Effective Mothering

President David O. McKay declared: "Motherhood is the creates potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world."(Gospel Ideas; Selections from the discourses of David O. McKay, 1953)

The Goals of Effective Mothering

*Perserving Life. From the moment of her child's birth, a mother faces the realization that a fragile life depends on her. The physical connection inherent in the biological relationship between mother and child seems to make mothers particularly sensitive to responsibility for the child's protection and well-being. 

*Nurturing growth and development. One of the primary ways mothers nurture growth and development  is through helping create an environment of safety, peace and learning. Another way is through the emotion work they perform to maintain and strengthen individual well-being and family relations. And the third way is simply through teaching. Mothers are the most important influence on intellectual development and children's learning because they often spend the most time with the child. 

Eldar Ballard taught, "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family... Whats matters is that a mother loves her chidden deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." (Daughters of God by Elder Ballard, Ensign of May 2008)

(Mothers as Nurturers by Jenet J. Erickson, Chapter 12 in Successful Marriages and Families.)

"Marriage in the Later Years" by Jonathan G. Sandberg, James G. Strait, and Carly D. Larsen LeBaron (Chapter 9)

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to His eternal plan... The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)

Whether a couple is newly married or celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary, creating and maintaining a mutually satisfying, stable, vibrant marital relationship takes time, effort, and a shared commitment about the importance of marriage. Because Marriage is meant to be eternal, its centrality and importance among human relationships does not decrease over time. 

Principles Underlying Successful Marriages

A clear, comprehensive summary of key processes underlying successful marriages is included in chapter 3 of this book. In the chapter, Duncan and McCarty highlight the need for *Personal commitment to the marriage covenant, * love and friendship, *positivity, *the ability to accept influence from one's spouse, *the respectful handling of differences and the ability to solve problems and, * continual courtship throughout the years. 

Because of the potential for decline, loss, unresolved conflict, and forced transitions in the last third of life, older couples are particularly vulnerable to isolation, distance, and long-standing wounds in their marital relationships. Researchers and clinicians have begun to draw attention to the clear need for secure attachments in later life, highlighting greater adjustments following bereavement, healthier transition to illness and caregiving, and better overall well-being for older adults with attachment security. (Bradley & Palmer, 2003) Therefore, older couples with secure and safe marital bonds (that is, accessible, responsive, and engaged partners) will likely be better prepared to adapt successfully to the challenges of aging and thrive in later life. 

Challenges Facing Mid- and Later-Life Couples

A review of these transitions and challenges can help couples to, first, recognize that such struggles are normal, and second, develop a plan to address them. 

Empty Nest. A wife married for 33 years said, "It's important to build a good relationship with your spouse so that when the children leave, you have the underlying joy of focusing on each other and not your adult children." (Arp & Arp, 1996)

Retirement. "People need to prepare emotionally for retirement," advises one who has experienced this stage in life. "People planning to retire need to retire to something." not just from something, because "adjusting to less money and being home all the time is a real change."

Physical Decline. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "More and more we are living longer, thanks to the miracle of modern science and medical practice. But with old age comes a deterioration of physical capacity and sometimes mental capacity. I have said before that I have discouraged that there is much of lead in the years that are called golden." (Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood, Ensign, May 2002.) President Boyd K. Packer added, "When your body begins to deteriorate, the patterns of revelation will be augmented and magnified." (The Golden Years by President Packer, Ensign, May, 2003)

Caregiving. Caregiving, whether for a parent or a spouse, is truly a tension of opposites where a person can feel isolation and connection, burden and joy, sorrow and peace. President Packer related the following insights regarding his family's experience with caregiving: "My wife and I have seen our grandparents and then our parents leave us. Some experiences that we first thought to be burdens or trouble have long since been reclassified as blessings. My wife's father died in our home. He needed constant care. Nurses taught our children how to care for our bedridden grandpa. What they learned is of great worth to them and to us. How grateful we are to have had him close to us. We were repaid a thousand times over but the influence he had on our children. That was a great experience for our children, one I learned as a boy when Grandpa Packer died in our home."(The Golden Years by President Packer, Ensign, May, 2003) Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "The savior knows of our anguish, and He is there for us.... His healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a "healing" cures illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. Alma and his people... did not have their burdens removed, but the Lord strengthened them so that "they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." This same promise and effect applies to you... caregivers who are burdened. (He Heals the Heavy Laden by Elder Oaks, Ensign, Nov. 2006.)

Loss of Loved ones. The loss of loved ones can pose problems for mature couples. A simple yet painful fact is that with aging comes the greater likelihood that our dear ones will precede us in death. Mourning, grief, and suffering are natural byproducts of a loving relationship severed, although temporarily by death. Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "The only length of life that seem to satisfy the longings of the human heart is life everlasting. Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandments: "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die." (D&C 42:45) Moreover, we can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." (Doors of Death by Elder Nelson, Ensign, May 1992.) President Ezra Taft Benson taught about loneliness: "The key to overcoming aloneness and a feeling of uselessness for one who is physically able is to step outside of yourself by helping others who are truly needy. We promise those who will render this kind of service that, in some measure, you will be healed of the loss of loved ones or the dread of being alone. The way to feel better about your own situation is to improve someone else's circumstances." (To the Elderly in the Church, by Elder Benson, Ensign, Nov. 1989.)

Addressing old wounds. Overtime in any marriage there are likely to be numerous wounds, both intentional and unintentional. In their fine book, The Second Half of Marriage, Arp and Arp (1996) describe the need to "let go of past marital disappointments, forgive each other, and commit to making the rest of your marriage the best" it can be. 

Elder Ezra Taft Benson said, "The Lord knows and loves the elderly among His people. It has always been so, and upon them He bestowed many of His greatest responsibilities. In various dispensations He has guided His people through prophets who were in their advancing years. He has needed the wisdom and experience of age, the inspired direction from those with long years of proven faithfulness to His gospel... How the Lord knows and loves His children who have given so much through their years of experience."(To the Elderly in the Church, by Elder Benson, Ensign, Nov. 1989.)

The last third of marriage can be a time of strengthening marital bonds and solidifying spiritual resolve. Abraham and Sarah serve as an example of an elderly couple faced with a particular physical and spiritual challenge: The Lord had promised Abraham that his seed would be as numerous as the stars (Genesis 15:5), and yet they grew old, past the age of childbearing for Sarah, and still did not have any children. Nevertheless, Sarah gave birth to Isaac in keeping with God's covenant with Abraham (Genesis 21:1-3) Even in the face of Sarah's doubts, an angel admonished, "Is any thing too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:14) As we mature in our marriages, we can have faith that "with God all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26) Commitment, tenacity, and faith are required to confront successfully the many challenges faced by mature married couples. The rewards of such "works of righteousness,... including peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come" (D&C 59:23), are within the reach of all older couples who are willing to consistently apply principles that lead to the formation of a safe haven and a secure bond in marriage. 


(Marriage in Later Years by Jonathan G. Sandberg, James M. Harper, James G. Strait, and Carly D. Larsen LeBaron, Chapter 9 in Successful Marriages and Families.)

"Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce" by Alan J Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell

Virtually everyone desires a healthy, stable marriage, but when a person's marriage does not fit that description, he or she may consider divorce. Researchers have estimated that 40 to 50 percent of first marriages are ending in divorce in the United States. One estimate is that 25 to 30 percent of Latter-day Saint couples who regularly attend Church experience a divorce. 

Spiritual Counsel on Divorce

Marriage is ordained of God and central to our spiritual and temporal well-being. Accordingly, ancient and modern prophets have provided important counsel on marriage and divorce. 

In the celestial law of marriage, God has commanded us to remain together and keep our marriages strong, even when that means we must partake of some of the bitter fruits of life together. In our day, latter-day prophets and apostles have provided valuable clarifications and counsel regarding divorce. President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "There is now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague among us is not of God." (Standing for Something: Ten neglected virtues that will heal our hearts and homes, by Gordon B. Hinckley, 2000.) In 2007, Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: "Because of the 'hardness of our hearts' the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard of marriage. He permits divorced persons to marry again." In addition, Elder Oaks taught that "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resurrection, it is needful to have a means to end it."He also explained that when one spouse abandons the other, the option of divorce allows an innocent spouse to remarry. (Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, May 2007 Ensign)

As we explore President Faust's cousel, we find 3 basic steps that he asks us to consider when pondering divorce. These are his 3 steps of counsel:

1. Allow time for deciding about divorce. The first part of President Faust's test is that only prolonged marital difficulties should lead a couple to contemplate divorce. By this we believe President Faust counsels that spouses should not seek a divorce without a lengthy period of time to attempt to repair or reduce serious problems. 

2. Try to resolve problems before deciding to divorce. The second part of the test is directly related to the first. The marital relationship must reach the point where it is apparently irredeemable. By this we believe President Faust means that there appears to be little hope for repairing the marital relationship. This determination requires that sincere and sustained efforts have been made to understand and fix the problem.

3. Divorce, dignity, and well-being. The third part of the test is that the relationship has deteriorated to the point that it threatens to destroy the dignity of one or both spouses. By this we believe President Faust means that the marital problems have become serious enough over a period of time an individual begins to lose his or her sense of worth. 

Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught: "life is hard and full of problems-wolves. Dealing with the wolves is central for life's purpose. For a  husband and wife to deal with the wolves together is central to the purpose of marriage." (Fathers, mothers, marriage, by Elder James E. Faust, August 2004 Ensign.)

The three-part test that President Faust offers to determine just cause for ending our marital covenants is a high standard by contemporary secular ethics. Such a high standard is best understood in light of God's eternal plan for His children. 

The Best Course

Elder Oaks echoing earlier teachings of President Hinckley, provided challenging but needed counsel: Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation, but reformation... Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us. Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages." (Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, May 2007 Ensign)


(Successful Marriages and Families, Chapter 8, by Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell)