"Marriage in the Later Years" by Jonathan G. Sandberg, James G. Strait, and Carly D. Larsen LeBaron (Chapter 9)

"The family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to His eternal plan... The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)

Whether a couple is newly married or celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary, creating and maintaining a mutually satisfying, stable, vibrant marital relationship takes time, effort, and a shared commitment about the importance of marriage. Because Marriage is meant to be eternal, its centrality and importance among human relationships does not decrease over time. 

Principles Underlying Successful Marriages

A clear, comprehensive summary of key processes underlying successful marriages is included in chapter 3 of this book. In the chapter, Duncan and McCarty highlight the need for *Personal commitment to the marriage covenant, * love and friendship, *positivity, *the ability to accept influence from one's spouse, *the respectful handling of differences and the ability to solve problems and, * continual courtship throughout the years. 

Because of the potential for decline, loss, unresolved conflict, and forced transitions in the last third of life, older couples are particularly vulnerable to isolation, distance, and long-standing wounds in their marital relationships. Researchers and clinicians have begun to draw attention to the clear need for secure attachments in later life, highlighting greater adjustments following bereavement, healthier transition to illness and caregiving, and better overall well-being for older adults with attachment security. (Bradley & Palmer, 2003) Therefore, older couples with secure and safe marital bonds (that is, accessible, responsive, and engaged partners) will likely be better prepared to adapt successfully to the challenges of aging and thrive in later life. 

Challenges Facing Mid- and Later-Life Couples

A review of these transitions and challenges can help couples to, first, recognize that such struggles are normal, and second, develop a plan to address them. 

Empty Nest. A wife married for 33 years said, "It's important to build a good relationship with your spouse so that when the children leave, you have the underlying joy of focusing on each other and not your adult children." (Arp & Arp, 1996)

Retirement. "People need to prepare emotionally for retirement," advises one who has experienced this stage in life. "People planning to retire need to retire to something." not just from something, because "adjusting to less money and being home all the time is a real change."

Physical Decline. President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "More and more we are living longer, thanks to the miracle of modern science and medical practice. But with old age comes a deterioration of physical capacity and sometimes mental capacity. I have said before that I have discouraged that there is much of lead in the years that are called golden." (Personal Worthiness to Exercise the Priesthood, Ensign, May 2002.) President Boyd K. Packer added, "When your body begins to deteriorate, the patterns of revelation will be augmented and magnified." (The Golden Years by President Packer, Ensign, May, 2003)

Caregiving. Caregiving, whether for a parent or a spouse, is truly a tension of opposites where a person can feel isolation and connection, burden and joy, sorrow and peace. President Packer related the following insights regarding his family's experience with caregiving: "My wife and I have seen our grandparents and then our parents leave us. Some experiences that we first thought to be burdens or trouble have long since been reclassified as blessings. My wife's father died in our home. He needed constant care. Nurses taught our children how to care for our bedridden grandpa. What they learned is of great worth to them and to us. How grateful we are to have had him close to us. We were repaid a thousand times over but the influence he had on our children. That was a great experience for our children, one I learned as a boy when Grandpa Packer died in our home."(The Golden Years by President Packer, Ensign, May, 2003) Elder Dallin H. Oaks said, "The savior knows of our anguish, and He is there for us.... His healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a "healing" cures illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are "healed" by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us. Alma and his people... did not have their burdens removed, but the Lord strengthened them so that "they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." This same promise and effect applies to you... caregivers who are burdened. (He Heals the Heavy Laden by Elder Oaks, Ensign, Nov. 2006.)

Loss of Loved ones. The loss of loved ones can pose problems for mature couples. A simple yet painful fact is that with aging comes the greater likelihood that our dear ones will precede us in death. Mourning, grief, and suffering are natural byproducts of a loving relationship severed, although temporarily by death. Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "The only length of life that seem to satisfy the longings of the human heart is life everlasting. Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandments: "Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die." (D&C 42:45) Moreover, we can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." (Doors of Death by Elder Nelson, Ensign, May 1992.) President Ezra Taft Benson taught about loneliness: "The key to overcoming aloneness and a feeling of uselessness for one who is physically able is to step outside of yourself by helping others who are truly needy. We promise those who will render this kind of service that, in some measure, you will be healed of the loss of loved ones or the dread of being alone. The way to feel better about your own situation is to improve someone else's circumstances." (To the Elderly in the Church, by Elder Benson, Ensign, Nov. 1989.)

Addressing old wounds. Overtime in any marriage there are likely to be numerous wounds, both intentional and unintentional. In their fine book, The Second Half of Marriage, Arp and Arp (1996) describe the need to "let go of past marital disappointments, forgive each other, and commit to making the rest of your marriage the best" it can be. 

Elder Ezra Taft Benson said, "The Lord knows and loves the elderly among His people. It has always been so, and upon them He bestowed many of His greatest responsibilities. In various dispensations He has guided His people through prophets who were in their advancing years. He has needed the wisdom and experience of age, the inspired direction from those with long years of proven faithfulness to His gospel... How the Lord knows and loves His children who have given so much through their years of experience."(To the Elderly in the Church, by Elder Benson, Ensign, Nov. 1989.)

The last third of marriage can be a time of strengthening marital bonds and solidifying spiritual resolve. Abraham and Sarah serve as an example of an elderly couple faced with a particular physical and spiritual challenge: The Lord had promised Abraham that his seed would be as numerous as the stars (Genesis 15:5), and yet they grew old, past the age of childbearing for Sarah, and still did not have any children. Nevertheless, Sarah gave birth to Isaac in keeping with God's covenant with Abraham (Genesis 21:1-3) Even in the face of Sarah's doubts, an angel admonished, "Is any thing too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:14) As we mature in our marriages, we can have faith that "with God all things are possible" (Matt. 19:26) Commitment, tenacity, and faith are required to confront successfully the many challenges faced by mature married couples. The rewards of such "works of righteousness,... including peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come" (D&C 59:23), are within the reach of all older couples who are willing to consistently apply principles that lead to the formation of a safe haven and a secure bond in marriage. 


(Marriage in Later Years by Jonathan G. Sandberg, James M. Harper, James G. Strait, and Carly D. Larsen LeBaron, Chapter 9 in Successful Marriages and Families.)

"Should I Keep Trying to Work It Out? Sacred and Secular Perspectives on the Crossroads of Divorce" by Alan J Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell

Virtually everyone desires a healthy, stable marriage, but when a person's marriage does not fit that description, he or she may consider divorce. Researchers have estimated that 40 to 50 percent of first marriages are ending in divorce in the United States. One estimate is that 25 to 30 percent of Latter-day Saint couples who regularly attend Church experience a divorce. 

Spiritual Counsel on Divorce

Marriage is ordained of God and central to our spiritual and temporal well-being. Accordingly, ancient and modern prophets have provided important counsel on marriage and divorce. 

In the celestial law of marriage, God has commanded us to remain together and keep our marriages strong, even when that means we must partake of some of the bitter fruits of life together. In our day, latter-day prophets and apostles have provided valuable clarifications and counsel regarding divorce. President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "There is now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague among us is not of God." (Standing for Something: Ten neglected virtues that will heal our hearts and homes, by Gordon B. Hinckley, 2000.) In 2007, Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: "Because of the 'hardness of our hearts' the Lord does not currently enforce the consequences of the celestial standard of marriage. He permits divorced persons to marry again." In addition, Elder Oaks taught that "when a marriage is dead and beyond hope of resurrection, it is needful to have a means to end it."He also explained that when one spouse abandons the other, the option of divorce allows an innocent spouse to remarry. (Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, May 2007 Ensign)

As we explore President Faust's cousel, we find 3 basic steps that he asks us to consider when pondering divorce. These are his 3 steps of counsel:

1. Allow time for deciding about divorce. The first part of President Faust's test is that only prolonged marital difficulties should lead a couple to contemplate divorce. By this we believe President Faust counsels that spouses should not seek a divorce without a lengthy period of time to attempt to repair or reduce serious problems. 

2. Try to resolve problems before deciding to divorce. The second part of the test is directly related to the first. The marital relationship must reach the point where it is apparently irredeemable. By this we believe President Faust means that there appears to be little hope for repairing the marital relationship. This determination requires that sincere and sustained efforts have been made to understand and fix the problem.

3. Divorce, dignity, and well-being. The third part of the test is that the relationship has deteriorated to the point that it threatens to destroy the dignity of one or both spouses. By this we believe President Faust means that the marital problems have become serious enough over a period of time an individual begins to lose his or her sense of worth. 

Elder Bruce C. Hafen taught: "life is hard and full of problems-wolves. Dealing with the wolves is central for life's purpose. For a  husband and wife to deal with the wolves together is central to the purpose of marriage." (Fathers, mothers, marriage, by Elder James E. Faust, August 2004 Ensign.)

The three-part test that President Faust offers to determine just cause for ending our marital covenants is a high standard by contemporary secular ethics. Such a high standard is best understood in light of God's eternal plan for His children. 

The Best Course

Elder Oaks echoing earlier teachings of President Hinckley, provided challenging but needed counsel: Now I speak to married members, especially to any who may be considering divorce. I strongly urge you and those who advise you to face up to the reality that for most marriage problems, the remedy is not divorce but repentance. Often the cause is not incompatibility but selfishness. The first step is not separation, but reformation... Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us. Latter-day Saint spouses should do all within their power to preserve their marriages." (Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks, May 2007 Ensign)


(Successful Marriages and Families, Chapter 8, by Alan J. Hawkins and Tamara A. Fackrell)

"The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider," by Elizabeth VanDenBerghe & Alan J. Hawkins (Chapter 7)

This chapter in the book mainly just goes over studies that have been done to prove that their are physical benefits in a marriage. It is important to note that while their is a higher percentage of physically and mentally healthy people who are more apt to marry, researchers did other experiments to show the effects after marriage instead of just the percentage of healthy, married people. 

The Benefits

         An extensive body of evidence documents that married adults are clearly healthier than their non-married counterparts. They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even when factors such as race, income and health status prior to marriage are taken into account. 

At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. Married people are generally happier, the studies find, with great life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health. (Wood, Goesling, & Avellar, 2007)

        While some speculate that marriage makes men happier than women, research suggests that both reap mental benefits from the union. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). A  significant study published in Psychological Medicine (Scott et al., 2009) concludes that marriage reduces the risk of mental disorders for both men and women; however, gender differences exist. For men, marriage lowers their risk for depression and panic disorder. For women, it reduces their risk of substance abuse. For both genders, marriage offers higher levels of social integration as well as a source of emotional support from which spouses draw a sense of being esteemed, valued, and cared about. 

Further contributing to a sense of security for married couples are well-documented economic benefits. Married couples, even those with lower incomes, report greater financial security and, as a result, have greater access to better housing, food, and services like health care that the never-married, divorced, or widowed. (Stack and Eshleman, 1998)

       "Is There Something Unique about Marriage?" is another study about behavioral medicine. The authors researched whether an above-average social network of family and friends could compensate, in terms of psychological and cardiovascular health, for not being married. Interestingly, "there does appear to be something unique about the spousal relationship," conclude the authors, "as relationships did not compensate for the lack of a satisfying marriage" (pg. 243) The researchers found that the spousal relationship, with its intimacy, time involvement, and especially commitment level, exerted a much stronger positive influence on health that other relationships. 

      According to the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center and its own rigorous synthesis of the research, "a good-enough, or healthy marriage-one that is low in negativity-will provide cumulative, lifelong protection against chronic illness and premature death for both men and women, as well as greatly increasing the chances that their children will grow up healthy. These benefits seem only to increase as couple grow old together."