"The Warm, Happy Marriage: Cold, Hard Facts to Consider," by Elizabeth VanDenBerghe & Alan J. Hawkins (Chapter 7)

This chapter in the book mainly just goes over studies that have been done to prove that their are physical benefits in a marriage. It is important to note that while their is a higher percentage of physically and mentally healthy people who are more apt to marry, researchers did other experiments to show the effects after marriage instead of just the percentage of healthy, married people. 

The Benefits

         An extensive body of evidence documents that married adults are clearly healthier than their non-married counterparts. They have lower rates of morbidity and mortality, and their health benefits persist even when factors such as race, income and health status prior to marriage are taken into account. 

At older ages, married people are significantly healthier and experience fewer physical limitations in daily activities than their non-married counterparts. Married people are generally happier, the studies find, with great life satisfaction, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health. (Wood, Goesling, & Avellar, 2007)

        While some speculate that marriage makes men happier than women, research suggests that both reap mental benefits from the union. (Waite & Gallagher, 2000). A  significant study published in Psychological Medicine (Scott et al., 2009) concludes that marriage reduces the risk of mental disorders for both men and women; however, gender differences exist. For men, marriage lowers their risk for depression and panic disorder. For women, it reduces their risk of substance abuse. For both genders, marriage offers higher levels of social integration as well as a source of emotional support from which spouses draw a sense of being esteemed, valued, and cared about. 

Further contributing to a sense of security for married couples are well-documented economic benefits. Married couples, even those with lower incomes, report greater financial security and, as a result, have greater access to better housing, food, and services like health care that the never-married, divorced, or widowed. (Stack and Eshleman, 1998)

       "Is There Something Unique about Marriage?" is another study about behavioral medicine. The authors researched whether an above-average social network of family and friends could compensate, in terms of psychological and cardiovascular health, for not being married. Interestingly, "there does appear to be something unique about the spousal relationship," conclude the authors, "as relationships did not compensate for the lack of a satisfying marriage" (pg. 243) The researchers found that the spousal relationship, with its intimacy, time involvement, and especially commitment level, exerted a much stronger positive influence on health that other relationships. 

      According to the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center and its own rigorous synthesis of the research, "a good-enough, or healthy marriage-one that is low in negativity-will provide cumulative, lifelong protection against chronic illness and premature death for both men and women, as well as greatly increasing the chances that their children will grow up healthy. These benefits seem only to increase as couple grow old together."

"Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity," by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner (Chapter 6)

In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it states that "God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife" and that they should... "honor marital vows with complete fidelity." We sometimes consider this to be directed towards adultery however being completely faithful to your partner requires much more than just avoiding adultery.

We marry with the understanding that we will give ourselves completely to our spouse and that any divergence is sin. We show our faithfulness to God by loving him with all our "heart, might, mind and strength" (D&C 4:2) We show fidelity to our spouse in the same ways. Indeed, our spouse in the only other being besides God whom we are commanded to love with all our heart.

The Prevalence of Marital Infidelity

It is not hard to think that there is so much more of this going on in the world today. With media, all that we see or hear about is celebrities, athletes, politicians, etc. According to research from the National Marriage Project (2009), 21 percent of married men and 14 percent of married women in 2000 report ever being unfaithful to their spouse. This research indicates that this number has not increased over the past 20 years.

A Typology of Infidelity

Infidelity can be categorized based on the type of involvement (emotional or physical) and the level of relational attachment (attached or detached). Based on these, there appears to be 4 general types of infidelity: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual.

Consequences of Infidelity

There are spiritual consequences associated with all types of infidelity. Elder Richard G. Scott has warned, "Intimate acts are forbidden by the Lord outside... of marriage because they undermine His purpose... When experienced any other way, they are against His will. They cause serious emotional and spiritual harm." (Making the Right Choices, by Richard G. Scott, October General Conference in 1994)

Infidelity is one of the leading factors in divorce; infidelity produces traumatic impacts on the spouse who was cheated on and turns one's world upside down. Children whose parents have been unfaithful also tend to be confused and disillusioned, and at times also experience despair.

Factors Associated with Infidelity

Research suggests that interpersonal factors include: ever being divorced, use of drugs or alcohol, having permissive attitudes about extramarital relationships and having low religiosity and low church attendance. Interpersonal factors include: marital instability, inequality in marital relations, cohabiting before marriage, personality differences, dishonesty, arguments about trust, and less time spent with one's spouse. With regard to the interpersonal factors, it is important to realize that dissatisfaction in marriage does not by itself result in infidelity. Infidelity has less to do with the state of a marriage and more to do with the individual. It is often a result of a personal transformation that has taken place within an individual's nature.

Preventing Marital Infidelity

Infidelity is not primarily about love, sex, or attraction; it is about boundaries-where we draw the line. Therapist, Dr. Shirley Glass (2003) backs this up with the analogy of walls and windows. In an extramarital affair, people put up walls in their own marriage and open the window to others outside the marriage. Instead, we must know how to put up appropriate walls to protect our marriages from outside influences and open the window of love and communication within our marriage.

Repairing Marriage after Infidelity

70 percent, stay together and attempt to work it out, despite one of them being unfaithful. So how are these marriages repaired?

Step 1- Rebuild Trust

Step 2- Gain Perspective

Step 3- Repentance and Forgiveness

Step 4- Overcoming Addiction

Step 5- Making the Choice to Stay Together

These are all things that marriages need in order to remain healthy and lasting.


(Successful Marriages and Families, Chapter 6 by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner)

"Equal Partnership Between Men and Women in Families," by Valerie M. Hudson and Richard B Miller (Chapter 4)

Adam & Eve

In talking about the equal partnership between men and women, I would like to focus on the missions of both and in doing so I would like to use the very first examples to demonstrate this- Adam & Eve. Elder Earl C. Tingey explained, "You must not misunderstand what the Lord meant when Adam was told he was to have a helpmeet. A helpmeet is a companion suited to or equal to us. We walk side by side with a helpmeet, not one before or behind the other. A helpmeet results in an absolute equal partnership between a husband and a wife. Eve was to be equal to Adam as a husband and a wife are to be equal to each other."(The Great Plan of Happiness by Elder Earl C. Tingey, April 2006 General Conference ) 

The Plan of Happiness & The Image of Eve

Heavenly Father is no bachelor; indeed, Heavenly Father could not be a god if he were unmarried. Therefore Eve was not created in the image of a divine man and was no deformed or inferior version: Eve was created in the image of a divine woman.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks declared: "Some Christians condemn Eve for her act, concluding that she and her daughters are somehow flawed by it. Not the Latter-day Saints! Informed by revelation, we celebrate Eve's act and honor her wisdom and courage in the great episode called the Fall." (The Great Plan of Happiness, Nov. 1993 Ensign.)

We must remember that the Fall was not a tragedy. Yes, the Fall brought the possibility of evil and affliction into the world, but, as the proclamation teaches, gaining a body and earthly experience are necessary for progression toward our eternal destiny to become like our heavenly parents. The only failure in the Garden of Eden would have been if Adam and Eve had not partaken of the forbidden fruit. 

Eldar Dallin H. Oaks explains, "Eve's act, whatever its nature, was formally a transgression, but eternally a glorious necessity to open the doorway toward eternal life...The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that Eve did not 'sin,' because God had decreed it." (The Great Plan of Happiness, Nov. 1993 Ensign.)

The Two Trees

If we view the fruit of the first tree as representing the passage of a soul into mortality and full material agency, we notice the similarity to the great gift of birth given by women to those who kept their first estate. Eve was not created second to show that she was an appendage of afterthought to the man Adam. Eve also had an essential role in inaugurating the plan of happiness. Only a daughter of God could open the door to mortal life for God's children. Eve perhaps was the most courageous and wise of all of God's daughters and as Elder Oaks has said, she is to be "celebrated" for this wisdom and courage. These are great blessing: that Eve would enter into mortality and have children just as the blessings to Adam of having to work instead of having Eden provide for all his needs. 


When viewing the entire plan of happiness, we see that the man and the woman play equally powerful and equally important roles in the plan. Each is to hearken to the other for the plan to work. Each stands before the other, and in the sight of God, as equals. 

President Boyd K. Packer said, "There is no task, however menial connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not the husband's equal obligation."(Elder Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, July 1989.) In the same way, women assist their husbands with the burdens of supporting a family. 


(Equal Partnership between Men and Women In Families by Valerie M. Hudson and Richard B. Miller, Chapter 4)

"Foundational Process for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage" (Chapter 3)

Now that we've talked about how to find your eternal companion, let's talk about ways we can keep our marriage healthy and lasting. Here are some key personal characteristics that lead to marital virtue-based interactions, as well as key interpersonal processes that bless marriages and prevent disruption. 


Foundational Process #1: Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" declares that "marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God" and also that "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other. Couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another.

So what marital processes show a covenant commitment?

*Intentional personal dedication. To nurture their covenant commitments to one another and God, couples will wisely make a decision to be intentionally and personally dedicated. This involves: a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one's life around your companion, a willingness to change any and all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship, learning to resolve differences in a healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems.

*Exclusive cleaving and unity. The Lord declared, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else." (D&C 42:22)

*Practice spiritual patterns. When couples are involved in unifying spiritual activities, such as prayer and active religious involvement, they bring a number of benefits into their marriage. Couples who practice their faith together generally have less conflict. When conflict does not occur, couples are more likely to remain committed to each other and their marriage.

President Kimball once said, "When a husband and wife go together frequently to the holy temple, kneel in prayer together in their home with their family, go hand in hand to their religious meetings, keep their lives wholly chaste--mentally and physically-- so that their whole thoughts and desires and loves are all centered in the one being, their companion, and both work together for the uplifting of the kingdom of God, then happiness is at its pinnacle." (Oneness in Marriage, by President Kimball, October 2002.)

Foundational Process #2: Love and Friendship

From the Proclamation to the Family it reads, "husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other." "Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart." (D&C 42:22) President Ezra Taft Benson taught, "To my knowledge there is only one other thing in all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God himself. Think what that means!" (To the Fathers in Isreal by President Benson, November, 1987 Ensign)

Love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit... They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other....It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."

-C. S. Lewis

What can married couples do to nurture love and friendship? Here are some ideas:

*Get in sync with your partner's love preferences. Find out how your partner likes to receive love and then do those things often. 

*Talk as friends. Sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends. These types of conversations were the kinds of discussions that drew couples close in the first place. 

*Respond to bids for connection. As Gottman and DeCLaire put it, "this is the fundamental unit of emotional communication. From a research done by Gottman, couples are said to respond to bids for connection in 1 of 3 ways: by turning away, turning against, or turning toward (actively responding to bids for attention, affection, humor or support.) How spouses respond to bids for connection affected the future of the relationships in a major way. 

*Set goals for couple interaction. 

Foundational Process #3: Positive Interaction

Positive emotions toward one's spouse are vital to a healthy marriage. Negative emotions, if they occur frequently and are allowed to deepen, can threaten a marriage. To enhance positive interaction in marriage, focus on you spouse's positive qualities. President Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage.... Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles." (Loyalty by President Hinckley, Ensign, May 2003)

Foundational Process #4: Accepting Influence from One's Spouse

This principle is described by Gottman as, "the process of sharing the decision-making power with one's spouse."

*Share influence in all family affairs. Part of the recipe for a happy, healthy marriage is for both partners to share equal ownership and influence in all family affairs. (Gottman, & DeClaire) The proclamation states that we are "obligated to help one another as equal partners," and that they "will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."

*Ways to accept influence. Gottman and others give a few suggestions of how to accept influence and respond to one's spouse.

      1. Turn to your partner for advice

      2. Be open to their ideas

      3. Listen and consider their opinion

      4. Show respect during disagreements

      5. Learn from our spouse

      6. Recognize points you agree on

      7. Compromise

      8. Show trust in spouse

      9. Be sensitive to his or her feelings

Foundational Process #5: Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems

How differences are handled is an important key to marital success or failure. Elder Joe J. Christensen taught a similar principle: "Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better." (Marriage and the Great Plan of Happiness by Elder Joe J. Christensen, Ensign, May 1995)

*Prevention. When we have charity, the pure love of Christ, we are preventing some things from ever becoming an issue. Also, holding couple councils can help this same concept from happening.

*Eliminate destructive interaction patterns. We must work to destroy harmful interaction patterns early in the marriage. By doing this, we can create habits of good communication skills that are much needed in the marriage. Gottman gave us four things to avoid in order to fulfill this:

    1. Criticism

    2. Contempt

    3. Defensiveness

    4. Stonewalling (walking away from the issue)

*Calm yourself first and bring up the concern softly, gently and privately. Before approaching your spouse on an issue make sure you're calm. Do whatever calms you: pray, listen to peaceful music, walk around the block, take a shower.

*Learn to make and receive repair attempts. When a discussion on an issue gets off on the wrong foot, put the brakes on before disaster strikes and things get contentious. This may include apologies, acknowledgement or taking breaks.

*Soothe yourself and each other. Gottman observes that even if your calmed yourself before bringing up the discussion, you may still need a few breaks during the discussion just to calm everything down a bit.

Foundational Process #6: Continuing Courtship through the Years

President Kimball taught, "Many couples permit their marriage to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn-out jokes or cold gravy." President David O. McKay added, "I should like to urge continuing courtship, and apply this to grown people. Too many couples have come to the alter of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the the beginning of an eternal marriage." (Faith Proceeds the Miracle, Deseret Book Industries.)

So what can couples do to keep their courtship alive throughout the years?

   -Attend to the little things.

   -Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage.

   -Spend at least 5 hours a week strengthening your relationship.

In doing these things, couples will continue to grow in love and respect for each other.


(Chapter 3: Poundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage by Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty)