"Then Comes Marriage," is a blog that's going to be solely on the wonderful thing we all hope to participate in someday... marriage! This website will contain lots of good material from the Presidents of the LDS church, a book titled 'Successful Marriages and Families' by Hawkins, Dollahite and Draper, a couple other resources along with my own personal experiences. The purpose of the blog is to help marriages stay fresh :) Why can't we be in the "honeymoon stage" forever?

Friday, April 5, 2013

"Your Happily Ever After" by Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I have decided to post this talk given by Elder Uchtdorf because it has always been one that has stuck out to me. In this talk he talks about achieving our own "Happily Ever After" which comes through marriage. I hope you enjoy this talk as much as I have. This talk is provided on LDS.org and is now a book that you can by as well. I won't be putting all of it on here but I highly suggest that you read the whole thing because it is all so good!
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"Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all-eternal life-and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own "happily ever after."

.... In most languages there exists a phrase as magical and full of promise as perhaps any in the world. That phrase is "Once upon a time."

Aren't those wonderful words to begin a start? "Once upon a time" promises something: a story of adventure and romance, a story of princesses and princes. It may include tales of courage, hope, and everlasting love. In many of these stories, nice overcomes mean and good overcomes evil. But perhaps most of all, I love it when we turn to the last page and our eyes reach the final lines and we see the enchanting words "And they lived happily ever after."

Isn't that what we all desire: to be the heroes and heroines of our own stories; to triumph over adversity; to experience life in all its beauty; and, in the end, to live happily ever after?

.... In your Young Women Personal Progress book, you will find these words: "You are a beloved daughter of Heavenly Father, prepared to come to the earth at this particular time for a sacred and glorious purpose."

...His love for you is so great that He has granted you this earthly life as a precious gift of "once upon a time," complete with you own true story of adventure, trial, and opportunities for greatness, nobility, courage, and love. ... Heavenly Father offers to you the greatest gift of all- eternal life- and the opportunity and infinite blessing of your own "happily ever after."

But such blessing does not come without a price. It is not given simply because you desire it. It comes only through understanding who you are and what you must become in order to be worthy of such a gift. 

Trial is Part of the Journey

For a moment, think back about your favorite fairy tale... You will find one thing all have in common: they must overcome adversity. 

... In each of the stories, Cinderella, Belle, and the miller's daughter have to experience sadness and trial before they can reach their "happily ever after." Think about it. Has there ever been a person who did not have to go through his or her own dark valley of temptation, trial, and sorrow?

... The scriptures tell us there must be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter.

... Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that come in no other way, Our loving Heavenly Father has sent us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy. 

... It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop. 

...If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift you heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, "Your adversity and your afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if you endure it well, God shall exalt you on high."

Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at you own "happily ever after."

The Gospel is the Way to Happily Ever After

... "Happily ever after" is not something found only in fairy tales. You can have it! It is available for you! But you must follow you Heavenly Father's map. 

Sisters, please embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ! Learn to love your Heavenly Father with all your heart, might, and mind. Fill you souls with virtue, and love goodness. Always strive to bring out the best in yourself and others. 

... As an apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, I leave you my blessing and give you a promise that as you accept and live the values and principles of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, "you will be prepared to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessing of exaltation." And the day will come when you turn the final pages of you own glorious story; there you will read and experience the fulfillment of those blessed and wonderful words: "And they lived happily ever after."Of this I testify in the holy name of Jesus Christ, amen. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

"LDS Family Services: Assistance For Unwed Parents and Prospective Adoptive Parents" by Kenneth W. Matheson (Chapter 15)

"Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

Most of us know individuals who have had children out of wedlock.  In 2003, there were approximately 1.4 million children born to unmarried women in the United States, which accounted for 1/3 of the total births (US Department of Health and Human Services, 2005).  That figure has continued to rise; in 2007, 40% of children were born to unmarried women.  (McLanahan, Garfinkel, Mincy, & Donahue, 2010).  
One Option:  Abortion.  Abortion of the unborn child may seem to be an option that will erase any pending problems that unmarried parents anticipate.  However, the proclamation "affirms the sanctity of life and its importance in God's eternal plan" (The Family:  A Proclamation To The World).  Elder Russell M. Nelson offered the following counsel:  "When a life is created by sinful behavior, the best way to begin personal repentance is to preserve the life of that child.  To add another serious sin to a serious sin already committed only compounds the grief.  Adoption is a wonderful alternative to abortion.  Both the baby and the adoptive parents can be greatly blessed by the adoption of that baby into a home where the child will be lovingly nurtured and where the blessings of the gospel will be available (Abortion: An Assault On The Defenseless, Ensign October 2008).  
Another Option:  Keeping and rearing the baby.  A pregnant woman may decide to keep and rear her child; few mothers today place their babies for adoption, and abortion rates are declining.  
LDS Family Services and Adoption
LDS Church leaders provide the following counsel:  "When a man and woman conceive a child outside of marriage, every effort should be made to encourage them to marry.  When the probability of a successful marriage is unlikely due to age or other circumstances, the unmarried parents should be counseled to work with LDS Family Services to place the child for adoption, providing an opportunity for the baby to be sealed to temple-worthy parents.  Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses both the birth parents and the child in this life and in eternity  (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Handbook 2: Administering The Church 2010).
Eventhough there are many excellent adoption agencies, and, in states where private adoptions are legal, there are also other individuals (often doctors or lawyers) who are able to assist a birth mother or father and potential adoptive parents, LDSFS is prepared to assist the individual or couple regardless of their decision; the agency doesn't help only those who choose adoption.  LDSFS staff can provide valuable resources and support during the decision-making process.
LDS Family Services and Prospective Adoptive Parents
One study reported that there are about 2 million couples in the U.S. wanting to adopt a child.  Furthermore, many of these couples would want two or three children, if they were available.  Many will take hard-to-place children with special needs (Bachrach, London, & Maza 1991).  Throughout the adoption process, adoptive parents will experience a variety of emotions, just as the birth parents do.  Couples who discover they cannot have biological children may be in shock; they can't understand how such a thing could happen to them and know they would be great parents.  Some may believe that God is punishing them or that they will conceive if only they exercise sufficient faith.  They may also feel anger, or intense sadness, to the point of mourning the loss of their fertility.  One or both may feel they are responsible for the infertility and its effects on their spouses life.  Although infertile couples may be happy for others who are experiencing pregnancy and childbirth, they also may have difficulty watching others receive blessings they do not enjoy.  Despite other blessings and happiness in their lives, the yearning to be a parent remains unfulfilled.  Sometimes after considerable investments of time, money, emotions, and appointments with specialists and clinics, a couple may reach the point of accepting infertility as part of God's plan for them.  They may then be ready to start thinking about adoption.  Some infertile couples may feel that seeking to adopt is giving up.  They may fear that they will not be able to love an adopted child as much as their own, although from my experience as a social worker, for the large majority of adoptive couples this is not a problem.  The restored gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us who our children are.  President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "Never forget that these little ones are the sons and daughters of God and that yours is a custodial relationship to them, that He was a parent before you were parents and that He has not relinquished His parental rights or interest in these His little ones.  Now, love them, take care of them....rear your children in love, in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, take care of your little ones....welcome them into your homes, and nurture and love them with all of your hearts" (Excerpts from recent addresses of Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign July 1997).  Whether parents conceive and bear children or adopt them, these little ones are the Lord's children first.  We are asked by Heavenly Father to be stewards over the children who come to us.  In this light and by the power of temple ordinances, adopted children sealed to their parents in the temple are their children as much as if they had conceived them.

("LDS Family Services: Assistance For Unwed Parents and Prospective Adoptive Parents" by Kenneth W. Matheson, Chapter 15)

Friday, March 29, 2013

"'Honor Thy Father': Key Principles and Practices in Fathering" by Sean E. Brotherson (Chapter 13)

President Howard W. Hunter taught that a father's "leadership of the family is his most important and sacred responsibility" and the "family is the most important unit in time and in eternity and, as such, transcends every other interest in life."(Being a Righteous Husband and Father, Ensign, Nov. 1994.)
In this chapter, we will discuss the five fundamental principles of fathering: to preside, partner, be present, provide and protect. 
To Preside
"The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness." First, fathers are directed to take upon themselves the responsibility of spiritual leadership in family life as part of a loving Eternal Father's plan for family functioning. Second, a father's responsibility to preside occupies the first and foremost duty among the varied obligations that rest upon men in family life. Third, the manner in which a father is to exercise spiritual quittance among family members is explicitly articulated: "in love and righteousness." As children grow older, positive involvement by fathers is strongly associated with fewer behaviors involving externalizing (negative actions) and internalizing (negative emotions). Both boys and girls who have positively involved fathers show higher social competence and experience fewer problems in school. (Mosley & Thomson, 1995) Father who embrace the principle that fathering means "to preside... in love and righteousness"have an anchoring principle and a spiritual focus for their fathering efforts designed to bless the children and families they love. 
To Partner
Parenthood is a partnership. In other words, when any individual becomes a parent, he or she also enters into a community of relationships. Raising a child is an individual journey, but it is also a community journey, a relational partnership across generations as fathers and mothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers, coaches, pastors, and parent's friends all work together in rearing a child to responsible adulthood. For fathers, being aware of and attentive to these relationships is critical to raising a child. 
Partnering with a child's mother. Research indicates that a healthy, satisfying marriage is a fathering "force multiplier" for men, which helps father be more involved with their children, more confident in their parenting skills, more satisfied in their paternal efforts, and more sensitive to the needs of children. 
Partnering with the child. Becoming a father necessarily means entering into a continuing relationship of care and involvement with the child. Children come into life with their own personalities and preferences, and thus it is important to remember that this is a two-way relationship in which children and fathers mutually influence each other in their development, not simply a relationship in which all influences flows from the father to the child.  President Howard W. Hunter advised that the fathers should give children "time and presence in their in their social, educational, and spiritual activities and responsibilities" and provide "tender expressions of love and affection toward children."
Partnering with others in the child's life. Beyond partnering with a child's mother and the child, fathers conduct the generative work of fathering within a broader system of relationships. Children are born into the world with many family ties: father, mother, siblings, and grandparents, among others. These extended family ties are critical  in providing support to fathers, as it has been suggested that fathering is more sensitive to contextual and relationship influences than mothering. (Responsible Fathering by Doherty, Kouneski, & Erickson, 1998)
To Be Present 
Parenting requires presence. While a parent does not need to be constantly present to care for children, a parent's presence is a fundamental requirement if he is to meet children's needs and build a lasting parent-child bond. A fundamental principle of fathering that meets the need is to be present in a child's life and consciousness, to be available and aware of a child's needs such that he or she develops in an atmosphere of security and love. A primary reason that being present is crucial to responsible fathering is that, simply, children need the presence and support of caring adults from the time of birth onward. A child's dependence, both physically and psychologically, on parents fashions a relationship in which fathers must willingly accept the moral obligation to provide their children a secure atmosphere and be responsive to daily needs and desires. Though there are many things a child needs, the greatest need of any child is security. A sense of security is perhaps the most fundamental of all human needs in a variety of ways, but it is primary and intensive for children. 
To Provide
Parents are to "provide for their physical and spiritual needs" and, fathers in particular are "responsible to provide the necessities  of life and protection for their families." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World.)
One of the fundamental aspects of life in mortality is that we as human beings have material needs (food, clothing, shelter,) and that we must manage limited resources, time, and energy. To be a good father, is often equated with being a good provider. The archetypes pattern for family life that God set forth in His instructions to Adam and Eve emphasizes work to provide for one's family, as God told Adam that "in the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread," and sent him "to till the ground from whence he was taken." (Genesis 3:19)
The principle of providing for one's family as a father recognizes that each man as "a steward over his own property," is "accountable unto God" for that stewardship, and should administer those resources in a manner that "is sufficient for himself and his family."
To Protect
"Fathers are responsible to provide... protection for their families." (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
Each person born into this world begins a journey that is often attended by confusion, challenges, and personal risks. The external world of stresses and threats to well-being sometimes intrudes upon the immediate world of family life and preparing them over time for the external world that they will have to navigate as they grow. The ultimate protective figure is the Savior, Jesus Christ, who protects and heals His children from death, sin, and suffering as they come unto Him. 
Perhaps the most important aspect of protecting children occurs as fathers model appropriate and righteous behavior in their own actions and choices. A variety of protection benefits accrues to children as fathers behave well and model positive choice. Other important aspects include, mentoring them to develop skills and knowledge needed for making their own choices in life and monitor the environments and behaviors of their children. 

Fathers have the ability, for good or ill, to exercise great power and influence in the lives of their children and families. Power alone, however is not what a father truly needs, nor does he need only the ability to influence and direct a child's life, thoughts, and feelings. A father needs the power to bless, which might be called "power in righteousness."Men do not bless by the mere exercise of peer. They bless only by the exercise of power in righteousness. This is especially true of the exercise of priesthood power. To be a holy figure in the life of a child, in the life of a family, requires an association with powers that exist beyond our own mortal abilities. Power in righteousness comes only as we associate ourselves through prayer and sacred living with the powers of heaven. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

"Mothers as Nurturers" by Jenet J. Erickson (Chapter 12)

Sometimes in marriage it can be difficult to figure out what the roles of each other are going to be. For me, as a newly married student, I'm trying to figure out where my role is as the wife. I'm sure that every newly married couple goes through this in deciding what kind of work needs to be done from both spouses. This chapter gave me some comfort in knowing that being a mother in itself is such an important job. I have always known this but the material provided in this chapter reassured me. If I get an education and don't end up getting a job because I choose to be a full time mother, I will be ok with that because I know that is one of the most important callings that anyone can have. And I won't feel like my education is wasted because my schooling will help me be able to help my future children as they grow and mature. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get an education but I'm also thankful for the opportunity to become a mother someday and to know what a special calling that truly is. Here's what I read:

"Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (Family: Proclamation to the World)
Spencer W. Kimball said, "To be a righteous woman is a glorious thing in any age. To be a righteous woman during the winding up scenes on this earth, before the second coming of our Savior, is an especially noble calling. The righteous woman's strength and influence today can be tenfold what it might be in more tranquil times."
Questions About the Importance of Motherhood
Yesterday my husband called a little bit before lunchtime to check on how we were doing at home. The conversation was more brief that usual because he had a lunch appointment held at a nice restaurant near his office. Bu tit was also interrupted because the toddler sitting at the table in his booster seat knocked a cup of apple juice over, sending juice flying all over himself, the floor- and all over me. When I hung up the phone I began the task of cleaning him off, wiping the sticky juice off the table and floor, and finally changing out of the now sticky sweat pants I had not been able to change out of since early that morning. While kneeling on the floor with a rag in my hand I couldn't help but reflect on the differences between the work my husband was doing and the work I so often did as a mother. I knew in my mind that caring for children mattered, but honestly, it was hard to see what could possibly be so important about changing diapers, wiping noses, cleaning muddy feet, and all the other hundreds of mundane chores that seemed to make up my daily life. I reflected on the bachelor's and master's degree I had received and couldn't help but wonder how after all that preparation I ended up on the floor with a rag in my hand wiping up juice spilled by a toddler. Hadn't I been prepared to do something more significant? Something that would really make a lasting difference? (Personal communications with the author)
Although scientific evidence has continued to demonstrate the importance of a mother's care, motherhood has been questioned and devalued in the broader culture. A survey of a nationally representative sample of mothers in the U.S. in 2005 found that fewer than half of mothers (48 percent) felt appreciated most of the time, and almost 20 percent said they felt less valued by society when they became a mother. As a result, they may feel pressured to invest their talents and energies in work that they perceive to be more valued by the larger culture. 
Historical Causes for Questions about the Importance of Motherhood
In some ways these dilemmas were a predictable response to the dramatic changes of industrialization and urbanization in the 19th century. Prior to industrialization, mothers and fathers worked side by side to build their household economy, represented in the family farm of small artisan shop. With industrialization, the work of production moved outside the home, creating a split between work and home. Mothers alone became the primary socializers, educators, and caregivers of their children. This meant that women's role in the home would be inflexibly defined and put the view that women were dependent of their husbands. Also, the modern era valued an orientation toward individualism and consumerism that also devalued women's role of nurturing children. 
Prophetic Teachings about the Importance of Motherhood
A First Presidency statement in 1942 declared: "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels. (Messages of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, Vol. 6, James R. Clark) The calling of motherhood has been identified as the most ennobling endowment God could give His daughters, "as divinely called, as eternally important in its place as the priesthood itself." (Our Wives and Our Mothers in the Eternal Plan, by J. Rueben Clark, Relief Society Magazine, Dec. 1946) In the words of President Spencer W. Kimball, "Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments."(The blessings and Responsibilities of Womanhood, by President Kimball, Ensign, March 1976.) "The countless acts of of selfless service mothers perform are recognized as expressions of the highest love and noblest of womanly feelings." (A Message to my Granddaughters by J.E. Faust, Sept. 1986 Ensign.)
Elder Bruce C. Hafen and Sister Marie K. Hafen explained, "Just as a mother's body may be permanently marked with the signs of pregnancy and childbirth, the Savior said, 'I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands' (1 Nephi 21:15-16). For both a mother and the Savior, those marks memorialize a wrenching sacrifice- the sacrifice of begetting life-for her, physical birth; for him, spiritual rebirth." ("Eve Heard All These Things and Was Glad" by B.C. Hafen and M.K. Hafen, 1994)
Elder Robert D. Hales further clarified, "The world would state that a woman is in a form of servitude that does not allow her to develop her gifts and talents." He added, "Motherhood is the ideal opportunity for lifelong learning. A mother's learning grows as she nurtures the child in his or her development years. They are both learning and maturing together at a remarkable pace. It's exponential, not linear.... In the process  of rearing her children, a mother studies such topics as child development; nutrition; health care; physiology; psychology; nursing with medical research and care; and educational tutoring in many diverse fields such as math, science, geography, literature, English, and foreign languages. She develops gifts such as music, athletics, dance, and public speaking. The learning examples could continue endlessly." (The Journey of Lifelong Learning, by R.D. Hales, August 2009 BYU Devotional).
An Exploration of Effective Mothering
President David O. McKay declared: "Motherhood is the creates potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security; her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world."(Gospel Ideas; Selections from the discourses of David O. McKay, 1953)
The Goals of Effective Mothering
*Perserving Life. From the moment of her child's birth, a mother faces the realization that a fragile life depends on her. The physical connection inherent in the biological relationship between mother and child seems to make mothers particularly sensitive to responsibility for the child's protection and well-being. 
*Nurturing growth and development. One of the primary ways mothers nurture growth and development  is through helping create an environment of safety, peace and learning. Another way is through the emotion work they perform to maintain and strengthen individual well-being and family relations. And the third way is simply through teaching. Mothers are the most important influence on intellectual development and children's learning because they often spend the most time with the child. 

Eldar Ballard taught, "There is no perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family... Whats matters is that a mother loves her chidden deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." (Daughters of God by Elder Ballard, Ensign of May 2008)

(Mothers as Nurturers by Jenet J. Erickson, Chapter 12 in Successful Marriages and Families.)