"The ABC's of Successful Romantic Relationship Development"

In the Successful Marriages and Families book, it discusses the ABC's (or the steps) in relationship development. President Thomas S. Monson spoke about his decision to ask his wife for her hand in marriage and said, "That decision, I believe, was perhaps the most important decision that I have ever made." And President Gordon B. Hinckley backed him up by saying, "This will be the most important decision of your life, the individual whom you marry." (Loyalty by Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 2003.) This is such an important decision that sometimes it scares the young single adults which results in procrastination. Thomas B. Holman, Frank Poulsen, and others have outlined the relationship development process to help those of you who find yourselves in this situation to find your way through it and hopefully end in a temple marriage. (Chapter 2, Successful Marriages and Families)


A is the first phase and is titles, "Awareness and Acquaintance." This section suggests that "appraisal of attraction" is the 1st step in the awareness phase. Men and women both look for this and there is nothing wrong with it. Elder Bruce R. McConkie said, "The right person [for you to marry] is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist." But beyond the physical attraction, Elder Richard G. Scott gave a list of other things that young, single people should look for:
*temple worthiness
*a deep love of the Lord and His commandments and a determination to live them.
*kindly understanding
*forgiving of others
*willingness to give of self
*desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home."
Through observation, Berger and Perkins found that it is easiest to find awareness of a certain someone, when that certain someone is interacting with others. Pay attention to how they treat others.
The 2nd step is "Probability of Acceptance." When one does not feel that they are going to be accepted, this makes the 3rd step, "Approaching" less likely. When one does take place in the Approaching step, Afifi and Lucas (2008) found that within minutes most individuals could gather sufficient information to determine whether the other person was interested in further pursuing of the relationship.
Whether or not individuals use effective approach tactics in large measure depends on how attraction appraisal and probability of acceptance add up.

B is the second and is titled, "The Buildup Phase." This is considered as a first date. Elder Dallin H. Oaks defines a date as: "
1) planned ahead
2) paid for (by the man) and
3) paired off."
Now days, we see a lot of what youth call "hanging out." This new term is a lazy form of dating, in my opinion. We need to make sure that as teenagers, we plan an official date and as parents we encourage them to do so. The church encourages formal dating in which the men organizes and both show respect for the other.
The 1st step in the "Buildup stage" is "Seeking Mutual influence." In a study, Pugmire and others interviewed many LDS females and they noted that a mutual influence relationship was difficult if not impossible to find when the relationship started out physical. However, once a friendship based on mutual influence was established, physical affection consistent with LDS standards was a neutral and beautiful part of relationship development. The 2nd step is "Developing Mature Love." Elder Marvin J. Ashton put it this way: "True love is a process. True love requires personal action. Love must be continued to be real. Love takes time. Too often expediency, infatuation, stimulation, persuasion, or lust are mistaken for love. How hollow, how empty if our love is no deeper than the arousal of momentary feeling or the expression in words of what is no more lasting than the time it takes to speak them."

C is the third and is titled, "Commitment and Continuation." This step is hard for many because of the fact that we believe in marriage as being a eternal commitment. Here, the writers of the book have left some research-guided suggestions and some prophetic counsel for the decision to marry. The 1st step is "Sliding Versus Deciding." Stanley, Rhoades, and Markman found that people who make relationship transitions (from stage A to B or B to C, such as dating exclusively or engaging in sexual intimacy) without thorough deliberation, ran the risk of "sliding" into the next stage of the relationship rather than "deciding" to move forward. This research emphasized that in addition to deliberate communication, individuals should be open with each other about their doubts and insecurities.
President Thomas S. Monson counseled: "In making a decision as momentous as whom you will marry, I suggest you seek the help of your parents. Our Heavenly Father will also bless you and guide you in your decision."
The 2nd step is "Spiritual Confirmation." In this very important decision, we must keep in mind a few guild lines of counsel as we seek spiritual confirmation.
1. "Desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision." (Elder Boyd K. Packer)
2. "We need to understand the balance between agency and inspiration." (Elder Bruce R. McConkie)
3. We must believe that the Lord answers such petitions. (D&C 9)
Elder Bruce R. McConkie said, "We're suppose to learn correct principles and then govern ourselves. We make our own choices and then we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal."


(Chapter 2: The ABC's of Successful Romantic Relationship Development: Meeting, Dating, and Choosing and Eternal Companion, Thomas B. Holman, Frank Poulsen, and others.)

"Then Comes Marriage"

"Then Comes Marriage," is a blog that's going to be solely on the wonderful thing we all hope to participate in someday... marriage! This website will contain lots of good material from the Presidents of the LDS church, a book titled, 'Successful Marriages and Families' by Hawkins, Dollahite and Draper, and a couple other resources along with my own personal experiences. The purpose of the blog is to help marriages stay fresh :) Why can't we be in the "honeymoon stage" forever? Keep in touch and I'll show you how you can!